I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
