she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
