if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
