I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
