I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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