If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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