yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
