Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize