You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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