Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
