I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
