She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
