Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
