there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You are the jesus of drinking
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
