4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
