I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
