Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
