Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Randomize
