Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
