I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My first STD was from a foam party
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize