Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
