im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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