alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's blow job season.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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