I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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