My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
