so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
