i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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