Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
