If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize