I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
