I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
