So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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