I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
