I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
