Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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