Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
