This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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