You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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