every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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