i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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