I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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