i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
