If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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