It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
