I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
