I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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