i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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