My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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