capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
