I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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