Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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