You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
