smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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