I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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