Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
