I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
