Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
