I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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