At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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