Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
