i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
