I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I forget how to act sober
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
