I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my being single is dangerous.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
