Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
