I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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