I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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